Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
