My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
