just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize