you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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