I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
love makes seman taste better
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I love you.
Bad choice
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