God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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