so explain again why im purple
no
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
