and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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