Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
