Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
