I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
is wine microwaveable?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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