my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize