someone get that fucking seahorse.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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