guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My dick has a subreddit
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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