you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize