Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
