I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
sex in a hospital.. check
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
