my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
They have beer where we have blood.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
