My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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