She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Randomize
