ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
