i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
