I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
