he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
