Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
