I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
