Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
