whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
