Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
