My cat gives me a boner
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
