Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Girls should come with a carfax report
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
