I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
