nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
