I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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