I want to stick my p in your. b.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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