Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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