I am in a vortex of obligation.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
