whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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