So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Pooping to opera.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
