I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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