you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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