We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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