the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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