I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
