News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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