So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
