I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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