Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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