I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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