you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
