You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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