Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
