bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
