i think my tv is drunk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
