I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
