He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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