we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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