Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
