WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
